Kindred Spirits and the Purpose of MY Life

I've spent the last three days in Oradea, my original gateway to this incredible place I've called home for the last 8 months.

I've never been happier. Never. The kind of happy that emboldens me to feel like I can do anything, face challenges yet unconquered, and be truly content.

To begin, I'm staying in the Noble House at Caminul Felix Village Two, where they host most of the missionary groups and visitors who come to work. There are currently 9 other people staying here. Lars, Julius, Willard, Jake, Larry, David, John, Gary, and Steve have become my neighbors, my entertainment, and my friends. The youngest man is 52 years old and the oldest is 83, and wow do they have stories. I don't think I could ever tire of spending time with these wonderful gentlemen. I spent the afternoon playing tour guide and translator for these men in downtown Oradea... one of the most shining times in recent memories.

Now for the purpose of my life. I'm feeling pretty lucky to be 22 years old and have fully and totally discovered that I'm supposed to hang around kids. How can you deny that this kind of joy isn't related to some larger/bigger/higher calling?

Christgiving

This past weekend I went to Timişoara to celebrate the holiday season with Dan and other people in his life. We called our celebration "Christgiving," and we were bound and determined to do things the right way. We ended up with an American/Romanian/Turkish/Asian feast...

It really was an incredible weekend of friends and fun- we went and saw the new Harry Potter movie (eh...), played games, walked a lot in the rain, drank cappuccinos, and ATE.



The cookfest started when Dan and I went to the store and got nearly everything we needed, sans celery, ice cream, and… oh yeah… turkey. We returned back to his apartment and I got started with the cooking, while he ran to another store to try and find turkey. He returned with celery and ice cream, and set off again to find some turkey. He walked about 40 minutes to the biggest supermarket in town and found ONE turkey, but it weighed 7.5 kilograms, and totally would not have fit in his oven. He bought a chicken instead and some turkey cutlets.

While he was gone, I peeled potatoes, toasted bits of bread for stuffing, prepared the vegetables for the stuffing, made some chicken stock, made the gravy, made the glaze, made the stuffing, made the mashed potatoes, and got the green beans ready.

When Dan got back with the chicken, I was kind of sad because it looked so empty inside. Thanks to the lovely A~, we cooked it for about 30 minutes in salt water, while I made a mixture of rice, onions, paprika, and celery to stuff it with. A~ mixed up some tomato paste with garlic to spread over it, and then we used the cola glaze to pour it over the rest of the chicken. We put that into the oven, having NO idea how it would turn out.

I peeled and cut the apples for the apple crisp, and started to make it, spilling an ENTIRE bag of sugar in the process- it was a bit of a disaster, but kind of fun as well. We had that ready to put into the oven when the chicken was done, to cook during dinner.

While the chicken was cooking I grilled the turkey cutlets with some oil, paprika, and salt. They were delicious. I also cooked the corn and the green beans, and reheated the gravy, the stuffing, and the mashed potatoes.

It was GOOD.

Basically- we did this thing RIGHT, and had a really wonderful meal together. The first time I cooked an entire Thanksgiving feast nearly by myself, but... hey, it worked out pretty well.

People!

My friend J~ came to Bucureşti yesterday, and I met her after classes. It was SO good to see a familar face in my city. We had a really great time, and ended up going back to the place where she was couchsurfing to eat dinner.

There, I met a couple, A~ and R~ McMasters. Yeah, that's not a local name. THAT, my friends, is an American couple. We had such a wonderful time talking and eating and drinking and just BEING with people. It was great. I'm sure we will get together again soon- I found city friends!

J~ and I met up again today before she left for the next city, and we went to dinner in the Lipscani district of Bucureşti. Considered the "old" part of the city, it is really what the entire area used to look like before the building projects of the 1980's. It is a really lovely area, but also rather upsetting because it is beautiful. The whole city USED to be this way- incredible. What kind of maniac tears down such history and charm and character? I had a really great time with J~ though, and it was actually really sad to see her go. I'm certain that we will keep in touch, and I feel so glad to have connected with her.

Regardless, I had really missed people. And I found some. Blessings.

I Lied...

I'll get to my lie a little later in the post.

To begin, travel is magic. Traveling alone is magic as well, and I wasn't so sure this would be the case.

I arrived in Brasov on Friday, and ended up talking until after 3 in the morning, just soaking in the comfortable English conversation with new friends J~, S~, and T~ from Brunei and New Zealand. I got up on Saturday morning and went for a hike up Tampa Mountain- literally one of those experiences you remember forever- the ones that, in a really odd sort of way, define you. It was about 75 minutes up the mountain with all the switchbacks, and I got to the top right as the sun was peaking over the edge. I just stood with my hands outstretched and breathed and screamed and cried because of all the beauty and blessing in my life. See, there are benefits to traveling alone!

The rest of the day was spent exploring the remainder of the center of Brasov- it is an adorable, beautiful, amazing city. The center is so untouched by the Communist influences (bloc apartments, etc...) that seem to be everywhere else in Romania. It was just pure and clean and friendly and warm. The weather was absolutely perfect- the most wonderful autumn weekend. I got moved with my newfound friend J~ to an apartment because the hostel was booked out, and we had dinner at a local restaurant with Romanian specialties. Including the "grilled pig brain." Yes, friends- I at BRAIN! It was rather mushy, but actually rather tasty. We then went out with the two guys from New Zealand in the city center- near Piata Sfatului. It was a magical kind of day.

J~ was supposed to leave in the morning for the next leg of her journey, but she ended up delaying it a day so she could stay and go to Bran with me. THIS was my lie. In the last post, I said that I was not going to Dracula's castle- we did, in fact, go to Dracula's castle at Bran. It is about a half hour bus trip from Brasov, and we (with the help of two Serbian girls H~ and N~) flagged down the bus from the side of the road and made the trek.

Bran is (to be completely honest) rather disappointing. It is certainly a HUGE tourist attraction, but the castle itself isn't amazing. Regardless, for the rest of my life I will be able to say that I spent Halloween 2010 at Dracula's Castle. Honestly, what else in life IS there?

My return home was late (as trains usually are) but rather comfortable. I enjoyed part of the journey in a compartment with a music teacher, an old woman, a man who just kept muttering "frumosa" (meaning "beautiful") to himself, and a three year old child. Around the halfway point my compartment emptied out and I was joined by two men who were- to put it mildly- Romanian gods. They are volleyball coaches. Mhhmmm.

Bucuresti was waiting for me in all its glory. It always amazed me that not only my apartment, but my metro station and my street and my city are all the same when I return. I come back with an entire weekend full of new experiences and memories and friends and thoughts and emotions- and everything here is the same.

It is like magic.

I'll Be Home For...

I'm dreamin' tonight, of a place I love (okay, not really... but the people I love)
Even more than I usually do (because it's been two months...)
And although I know it's a long road back (really long- 20-ish hours long)
I promise you (to the best of my ability)

I'll be home for Christmas (SING it!)
You can count on me (but TAROM airlines, not so much...)
Please have snow and mistletoe (skip the mistletoe- we'd BETTER have snow)
And presents under the tree (not too many- I have to get back to Bucharest)
Christmas Eve will find me (I think I'll find it, rather)
Where the love light beams (hahahahaha- have you MET our family?)
I'll be home for Christmas (again- SING it!)
If only in my dreams (nope- it's official)

Friends, I'm coming home for Christmas! I'll be leaving Bucharest on December 23 and returning on January 3. I'm rather excited.

Support

I am sitting here, eating Pretzel M&M's, compliments of my dear friend C~. She prepared the most splendid package for me. I will detail the contents here:

1. Bottle of Eucerin Intensive Repair lotion- very needed, and lotion here is EXPENSIVE.
2. Packets (two) of Kleenex tissues- also very needed, and will allow me to stop carrying a toilet paper roll around with me.

3. Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm- I just used up what I brought over here, and lamented at the fact that it would be ages before I had any again. How did she know?

4. Bottle of Echinacea for Immune System Health- I laughed and laughed... and then took one.

5. Two packs of M&M's, which just so happen to be my favorite varities (Pretzel and Peanut Butter).

6. One package of Crystal Light Fruit Punch "On the Go" mix- whoa, buddy.

7. Three packages of Tropical Punch Kool-Aid. My life is complete.

8. Two packages of Taco Seasoning- Mexican night :)

9. One bag of Sixlets candy- great for munching!

10. One packet of Tiny-Size Chiclets Gum :)

11. Three boxes of KRAFT Macaroni and Cheese- this might have stemmed from the tears I shed while talking to her about missing Macaroni and Cheese.

12. One very lovely card filled with encouragement and support and love.

I am not sure what I would do without all the amazing people in my life. I've had a relatively rough patch recently, but the amount of support that is just flowing into my heart is incredible.

I am very officially going to Brasov this weekend. I made my hostel reservations last night (Rolling Stone Hostel!) and bought my train tickets today. I'll be leaving Friday afternoon and returning home Sunday evening. I have no idea what I'll do, but it is supposed to be a beautiful weekend. I feel mostly safe about traveling by myself, and I'm hoping that some more time away from the city will be good.

Blessings to all of you- and thank you for the unending support. It is so appreciated.

Timisoara

Having just returned to Bucharest after what may have been the best weekend I've ever experienced, I'm working on not being upset. I knew that I needed to get out of the city for a bit, see some other parts of Romania, and visit with a friend that has become (almost) insanely important to me. I had no idea HOW much I needed it, though.

My train ride on Friday was absurdly long and boring. I know that some of this was the time of day (we left at 3:45) and some of it was purely anticipation, but I thought I was going to die. The first few hours of the journey were spent sitting opposite someone who could have played in the NBA simply because of the length of his legs. I eventually snuck into first class for about 45 minutes and got found out, and went back to my own train car. However, I didn't go all the way back to my seat, but settled into an empty grouping of seats and tried to enjoy the rest of the journey. I had about a million things on my mind, none of which were particularly pleasant, and so when we pulled into the station only 10 minutes late, I was intensely relieved. Dan (I figured the D~ bit should be up after the last posting) was waiting for me there and we got a cab back to his flat. We dropped my stuff off and went to wander around the neighborhood, which turned into a walk to the city center- Piata Victoriei and Piata Unirii. My heart nearly stopped beating in my chest, as it was so constricted by all the happiness. The night was beautiful, I was with someone I love spending time with, and we were standing in the middle of the most beauty I've seen in 7 weeks.

The rest of the weekend was filled with a lot of walking, good food (Chinese, even!), beautiful parks, an Orthodox wedding, soft-serve ice cream, chatting, enjoying the automatic reader on Dan's iMac, a smoky bar called The Dungeon, a man named N~ and a friend of Dan's that I might never figure out, a revalatory walk and talk, a song called "Fost Odata," employing Google Translation services to discover some things about my neighbors, a massive shopping center, American football, a beautiful hour in Piata Victoriei, and a certain amount of sadness on my part when my train pulled away at 10:40 on Sunday night. It was truly a magical weekend.

The details aren't really too important. What I do know is this: I learned some things about myself this weekend, and some things about the nature of beauty.

1. It is both good and necessary to spend time with people you care about.
2. I'm becoming more mature in certain aspects of my life that have always been a struggle for me.
3. Even if you are living in a place without a lot of percievable, easy beauty... it is still important to look for it. I can't go that long without it again. I'll look for it in the faces of my students or the correspondence from the States or the way this city is trying to better itself. I'll search for the beauty, even if it seems to be hidden. Maybe the difficulty, the struggle, will make it even more meaningful.

All of that being said, I'm going back to Timisoara in a little over 5 weeks to celebrate Thanksgiving. It's not a holiday here but we figured there are some things we just shouldn't give up. Plus, I really did have an amazing time.

Faithfulness

I realized many things this week, and especially in these last three incredibly special days filled with the love of dear people. I cannot write about it now because I will just start crying in the basement of Decker Hall, but eventually I will blog about the incredible nature of each of my friends. So hold on- your special day is coming, probably sometime in mid-October after my life has stopped changing drastically and I can sleep a bit and think of people without tearing up.

One of my big ah-ha moments this week has to do with being faithful. Like branches of a tree, this particular concept extends in two ways- staying true to those I love and the values I hold dear, and my faith.

The first branch is easiest for me, even in the midst of this incredibly difficult personal stuff (which is honestly kind of comical). In most aspects of my life, it is easy to be steadfast. I can find what I want and cling to it with a sense of loyalty and devotion, be it a friendship, a career, or an idea. I started to think about why this is an easy task for me, and I realized that it comes from assurance. I am completely sure that these things are right and good in my life, and so it is easy to latch on and remain true and faithful. Why doesn't my sense of certainty apply to my faith?

I hope it has nothing to do with uncertainty about the nature of God. I would love to say that I have absolutely grounded beliefs that allow me to be true to my faith. I crave the intimate connection I once felt, but with a sense of apprehension. Because now, faith is more than a personal set of right and wrong behaviors. It is more than a prescribed list of actions. Faith now represents how I want to interact with the world, and the motivation behind it. And maybe I'm just not completely sure of that. In a world that I tried to fill with certainty about what I believe, I wish I could be faithful to my faith.

Books

I have a lot to say here about books. And I have no fluid way at the moment of stringing everything together. Please indulge my list-making mania.

1. I love the smell of a book, the feeling of cracking a binding, the mental journey one can take. Like a dear friend that one can return to for confirmation of emotion, of knowledge, and of humanity, books stabilize me. They indulge my wishes and distract me from problems and show me more of myself. Books ground me and frighten me and enlighten me and inspire me and evoke in me feelings I cannot explain.

2. Because I love books, I love libraries. I marvel at the public buildings that contain the knowledge of generations and the wisdom of history and the future of our society. They make me very happy. In particular, I have a little bit of a love affair going with the Harold Washington Library in downtown Chicago. The exterior building- meh- it's okay. There are much prettier places in the city, I promise. But the interior wealth of this place is astounding. I spend hours just walking and browsing and sitting and working and thinking and listening and of course... reading.

3. There are three books that I love more than any other three books on the planet. I like to think they represent three phases of my life thus far. The first book is "Madeline." The second book is "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn." And the third book is "The Poisonwood Bible." I cannot stop loving these three books. I have read them over and over and over and feel attached to them as a baby has a security blanket. Can I bring them with me?

4. I don't know when this part of my psychosis began, but I cannot stop reading a book once I have started it. I am bound and completely determined to press on and persevere through even the dullest of texts. It is because of this part of my personality that books like "Moby Dick" were ever finished. (You should know that I am struggling a great deal with this because I cannot find an underline button and book titles are meant to be UNDERLINED.) Anyway, this leads to more stories, of course.

5. I like to travel, and when I travel, I like to read. Okay. I like to read all the time. But when traveling, I am particularly interested in "light" books that I still can call friends. Books with substance and some humor and a wee bit of meaning. No Faulkner for traveling- but we should talk about the other end of the spectrum as well. I don't like trash- reading trash makes me kind of want to regurgitate the information from my brain- especially because (see #3) I had to read the whole thing. A book is trash if it is written in a purposely pithy and stale style without substance. A book is trash if the entire plot line is based around a man and a woman and perhaps another man or another woman and their adventures and misadventures in love. If there are half-naked people on the cover, the book is probably trash. And finally... if the book is about vampires, it is most likely trash. I said it. That's right. AND I'm moving to Romania. Booyah.

6. One such trashy novel is "The Devil Wears Prada." I can hear your brain exploding from here, because the movie was so fantastic, right? Cute and approachable Anne Hathaway turns into a major B**** when pressured by the fabulous and striking Meryl Streep and finally regains her true personality, credibility, and adorable boyfriend in the end. Well, that all happened in the book. Except it was written down, and it was TERRIBLE. Great story, awful writing, and the bane of my existence. Why, friends? Because this is the book I chose to bring to Romania the first time around. It has never in my life taken me ten days to read a novel- and I barely finished this one. I kid you not, I have never in my life wanted to throw away a book more. With great disdain and a churning stomach, I finally read the last page and promptly discarded the book, sometime on our return journey.

7. On my next international trip, I was a little bit more intelligent. My mom and I each packed two books from an author that I knew I liked- nay- loved. Barbara Kingsolver is, in my opinion, God's gift to literature. And so we read her wonderful books and I didn't want to cry or scream even once. Of course, because I loved the books I finished them too quickly and had to buy more- but there are plenty of good little bookstores in Europe.

8. I recently was kept awake all night reading a book that I feared was going to be a repeat of many books I have started and not enjoyed and been forced to finish. I picked it up on a whim, desiring to be current with the times and the approximately 17 people I see daily reading this book. Seriously- I saw SEVENTEEN different people today with this book in their hands. Anyway, "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" didn't immediately catch my attention, but I plodded onward. Two nights ago at around 11 o'clock, I was about a third of the way through the text, and I realized that I had to finish it THAT night. Because, friends, there was no way I could put it down. There would be no sleep with that storyline hanging open. And so I turned all the lights on and read and read and read the sadistic and intriguing and freakin' terrifying murder mystery. And went to bed at 7 o'clock in the morning. This has happened with precisely TWO other books in a lifetime of reading: The last book in the "Harry Potter" series, and "Native Son." I highly recommend all three if you have many hours of sleep to miss out on.

9. All of this to ask: Who has recommendations of books to take with me this year? Books for the flight, for travel while there, for teaching, for boredom?

Thanks for the indulgence. I am sure that someday these posts will again be short and pithy. Today was just NOT the day.

Sustainability

A now overused and thus misunderstood and diluted buzz word, sustainability is often defined as "the capacity to endure and remain productive." This term is often used to describe an ecological mindset, a goal of environmentalism, or a category of agriculture. While I am all in favor of saving the planet by whatever means we have available, the kind of sustainability I am discussing flows more deeply than through the fields of crop or tides of politics.

In anticipation of the move to a brand new country and culture, I have experienced a lot of fear and nervousness this past week. Uncertain of the specific cause, and unwilling to investigate enough to identify a reason for these feelings, I have struggled greatly. Part of it, I am sure, is the sharp reality of what is going to happen, and the rapidly approaching time frame of this adventure. As previously written about, this is not the sort of thing that I do. I am the girl with the plan, the steps, the system. I color-coded every single class I took in college. I agonize over simple plans for a visitor and record details with an obsessive bent. I organize my life to fit into a meticulous structure.

I have always hated this about myself, always wished it to change. And so I stepped out onto this branch of uncertainty with a kind of pride in my bravery, an assertion that THIS is the kind of person I wish to be. So I do a little research and lay down my life outline (bullet points included) and decide to teach in Romania. And I know almost nothing.

So on August 30th, 2010, I will arrive at O'Hare International Airport in Chicago with some luggage and family members and anticipation and hope and fear and a certain amount of loneliness. I will meet someone there who seems to be much better at adventure and spontaneity than I (one of the many reasons I am grateful for him), and we will get on a plane and leave the United States for a year. I will probably still be unsure of my living arrangements, my teaching situation or the cultural expectations. I won't know how to navigate my physical or cultural surroundings, and I will have a year of trial and a year of error and a year of growth. And I will be mostly alone.

I find myself envious of the Peace Corps volunteers I know and have read about, especially those serving in Romania. They have 10 weeks of pre-service language training and cultural immersion and group bonding time. I sit in the library alone pouring over cultural guides, travel planners and language tapes. While not trying to negate the tremendous difficulty of their service experiences, they at least have each other. They become familiar with a place while already familiar with some people. I am traveling to Romania with D~ and after a brief orientation he will leave for his city and his school and his job, and I will be left in Bucharest. And again, while tremendously excited, I am also terribly afraid of loneliness.

And so we return to sustainability. Because I know that such thoughts and feelings are neither good for my spirit nor sustainable in my brain, I find myself dwelling in the comfort of friends. I have such meaningful people in my life- those who bring joy and laughter and perspective and thought and prayer and happiness and beauty and inexpressible comfort. They force me to consider the world around me and think about more than myself and dwell in the good. They lift me up in ways unforeseen, in ways I could not ask for nor expect. They enable in me "the capacity to endure and remain productive."

Consider this quote, recently written to me by my dear friend L~. I sit in the library downtown and read this over and over. This little piece of wisdom spoken from the mouth of a true friend and accepted by the heart of one who was searching. This, my friends, is life sustainable.

"We need to flex our strengths and bend our weaknesses under new lights where they may become stronger- taking risks and stretching ourselves until we grow into the giants we hope to be."

Rest and Rejuvenation

I have had very little opportunity to rest in the last four years. There have been brief periods of respite between school terms, or during breaks, but there was always something coming. I have had summer jobs that required a tremendous amount of energy (mentally or physically) and filled my time with activities and work and scholarship. And so every once in a while, usually after a week as stressful as this one, I need some rest and some help.

And every time it happens, I feel bad. I feel somehow inadequate, as if the need to withdraw is not something that I should experience. I should be more stabilized, more prepared to deal with the adult world, more independent. And every time, I am not. I rely on other people to pull me through the time of difficulty and hold my hand and help me function again. And I have wonderful friends and family that come to my aid without question.

But next year, I won't have that. I will still have the support system I do now, but they will all live here, not there. I cannot just call for a quick chat or rely on my parents to rescue me. There are so many unknowns about the coming year, but one particularly frightening one is the lack of help in these times that I need rejuvenation.

Incredibly Blessed

Because my car was stolen, I have once again realized how wonderfully and richly blessed I am. This may seem like a terribly odd statement, and I promise this won't be a post about how lucky I am for all the trivial details, though I am . I am lucky that I wasn't in the car at the time, or that I had nothing of real value. I am lucky that my gas tank was almost empty (work with me...) and that I happened to notice it missing within a relatively short period of time. But frankly, it still is really awful. And a little bit funny.

I am blessed with unbelievable friendship. My four "C~ friends" mean so much in vastly different ways, but they pour into my life with exactly the right amounts of what I need. My parents M~ and T~ have been incredible as well- first with the details and then with the emotional support. And so many others have offered prayers and asked questions and thrown their support behind me. These people in my life offer perspective and love and humor. They freely give time and energy and thought to my problems and joys. They sort through my spirit and allow me to be a truer person. I am blessed and sustained completely.

Leaving for Romania was daunting on one level simply because of friendship. The lack of intimacy with others who know me best is a frightening thought. And then this happened, and it was a reminder of the support system I have, and the beauty of connection. I'm not really frightened anymore.