I realized many things this week, and especially in these last three incredibly special days filled with the love of dear people. I cannot write about it now because I will just start crying in the basement of Decker Hall, but eventually I will blog about the incredible nature of each of my friends. So hold on- your special day is coming, probably sometime in mid-October after my life has stopped changing drastically and I can sleep a bit and think of people without tearing up.
One of my big ah-ha moments this week has to do with being faithful. Like branches of a tree, this particular concept extends in two ways- staying true to those I love and the values I hold dear, and my faith.
The first branch is easiest for me, even in the midst of this incredibly difficult personal stuff (which is honestly kind of comical). In most aspects of my life, it is easy to be steadfast. I can find what I want and cling to it with a sense of loyalty and devotion, be it a friendship, a career, or an idea. I started to think about why this is an easy task for me, and I realized that it comes from assurance. I am completely sure that these things are right and good in my life, and so it is easy to latch on and remain true and faithful. Why doesn't my sense of certainty apply to my faith?
I hope it has nothing to do with uncertainty about the nature of God. I would love to say that I have absolutely grounded beliefs that allow me to be true to my faith. I crave the intimate connection I once felt, but with a sense of apprehension. Because now, faith is more than a personal set of right and wrong behaviors. It is more than a prescribed list of actions. Faith now represents how I want to interact with the world, and the motivation behind it. And maybe I'm just not completely sure of that. In a world that I tried to fill with certainty about what I believe, I wish I could be faithful to my faith.