Memorial to the Victims of Communism and to the Resistance

Nearly two years ago I spent a few hours inside one of the world's foremost museums documenting the reign of terror in the Eastern Block: the Terror Museum in Budapest, Hungary. It was overwhelming and incredibly haunting. The museum is housed in the former Nazi and then Communist headquarters, and it creates an atmosphere quite unlike anything I've ever experienced. While not necessarily a similar sort of institution, I got the same feeling I imagine I would get if I visited a former concentration camp. The last part of the museum includes a visit to the torture and prison chambers in the basement that left chills running through my mind for days.

I never thought I would experience that sort of thing again...

Sighetu Marmaţiei was the site of one of the most notorious- and gruesome- prisons in communist Romania. It held political prisoners, dissidents, intellectuals, and anyone who the regime believed could be a challenge. Between the years of 1948 and 1952, 51 of the 180 prisoners held at Sighet died. It was one of the sites of the "re-education" program, an experiment in mind control that used horrific methods. The 2010 edition of the Lonely Planet guidebook to Romania describes it as such:

"Under an experimental system known as 're-education,' from 1949 to 1952, political prisoners were subjected to intolerable levels of abuse as a way of breaking down their identities in order to make them more amenable to the communist system... In the first stage prisoners were subjected to demeaning acts like scrubbing floors with rags between their teeth or having to lick toilets clean. Religious prisoners were humiliated through acts such as being baptized with buckets of urine. Next, prisoners were forced to betray fellow inmates who'd shown them any kindness or sympathy and then to renounce their own families. The point here was to sever any existing bonds of love or loyalty. In the final stage of the program, prisoners were forced to prove their succesful 'regeneration' by inflicting the same acts of mental and physical abuse on new prisoners. Failure to follow through meant having to spend weeks in a tiny isolation cell...."

It's sick, what happened there.

This former prison is now a museum... I spent time in the "black room," the tiny isolation cell mentioned. I closed the door and started my watch and came close to not breathing. I left when I started to panic... I lasted 57 seconds.

It's sick, what happened there. It's sick and awful and makes me question humanity in general.

And then I walked out into the sunshine, breathing normally, and wondering how I got so lucky to be born at a time and in a place of freedom.

Dummy

For most of my life, I have been a complete idiot about romantic relationships. There were a million other factors that got in the way forever, but when I finally began to mature in this area a little bit, I just proved to be a moron.

Having finally, MAYBE, found some clarity and therefore sanity about the whole thing, I have a few things to say.

1. Men, women's magazines are doing you a huge disservice when they tell us "how to be" in order to attract a great guy. I've spent my entire life convincing myself that I will always have more emotionally at-stake in a relationship than a man possibly could have. This just isn't true. We've been conditioned to think that men are simply sex-driven machines who can be broken eventually and convinced that life is just easier with one woman and feelings. And so we cater to it, and end up unhappy.

2. Women are bad communicators. The games we play are simply ridiculous, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. Why flirt around the subject and tease and play with someone like that? It isn't to be coy or cute- it is mostly a fear of rejection, a fear of putting ourselves out there. There is a lot to be learned from watching males communicate with each other- just frank and efficient and effective. I know I'm betraying the sisterhood here, but we could probably be a lot happier if we stopped infusing assumptions into EVERY conversation we have.

3. There is nothing wrong with dating. I was raised in a belief system and then went to college in a culture where you just don't date. Nothing is casual, and the amount of strain and stress and pressure this creates is ridiculous. I'm not saying we shouldn't be picky about who we spend time with. I would never seriously date someone who I couldn't see myself with long term- that would just be a pointless and probably hurtful exercise. However, how are you supposed to know that if you don't get to know someone a bit? I went on a very random and spontaneous "date" during college that lasted about 45 minutes, and someone asked me if I thought I could marry this person. I honestly was like, "let me find out his last name first." The pressure just kills chances all over the place.

4. Just because it doesn't look like a storybook doesn't mean it isn't real. For a really long time, romantic gestures just made me curl up and cry, because I wasn't getting them from anyone. I'm talking things like planning amazing dates and sending flowers for no reason and creating memories in beautiful places- movie romance. Now, I just curl up and giggle a bit... because life is about more than that, I've come to believe. I'm not saying couples shouldn't show affection like that, and creativity within a relationship is certainly welcome. But at some point, doesn't it become about choosing to stay when that person has been acting ugly? Isn't it about communicating love every day, even if just by doing the dishes for someone? Isn't it about knowing the other person deeply and caring for their well-being? I'm not saying I would no longer appreciate romantic gestures and sweet words... I'm just beginning to see through the charm to the real thing.

5. Confidence is, as my mother always told me, key. I have spent a good amount of time not only working to change parts of my personality, but apologizing for it. I have good friends who do the exact same thing. We have this image in our heads of what the perfect woman is, and we try to shape ourselves to that. Women have the worst double standards for ourselves. Many of us would never expect a man to fit into a box, and we love the quirky things about their personalities. Why do we think all men want THIS kind of woman? On a deeper level, we really are looking for someone to love us not just despite all of the things we view as flaws, but because of them. So why not just run with it?

6. Baggage makes things easier. I'm not saying that unloading emotional problems on someone is the best idea... but we all have things we carry around with us. It is really difficult to be emotionally vulnerable with someone if they are completely stable and whole themselves. Feeling like the "weak" one in a relationship isn't easy, and really is ultimately unsustainable. I've said this before- maybe not here- but it really is about finding someone whose baggage matches yours.

I think that I am done ranting for now. I'm really not an angry person, I just feel like I've grown a lot in this area of my life recently.

I know that some of you who know the history are chuckling right now, others are simply confused, some amused and wondering what is going on in my life, and some might wonder exactly what kind of narcotic I took this morning. Regardless of what category you fit into, please don't read too much into this. I'm done communicating like a woman for a little while- it is what it is :)

Don't worry... I will go back to being cryptic and sentimental shortly.