Uplift

I had an awful, miserable kind of day yesterday. I'm not sure eactly what it was- the weather, having too much free time, being alone, dreading my class of terror, homesickness.

I had my worst teaching moment ever. It was completely out of control. I discovered that this class doesn't have books for some reason, and so my entire lesson plan was scrapped. I had two students out of 37 bring in homework. I was exactly the kind of teacher I don't want to be. I don't think that most of the students understand what I am saying, but those who do cause problems. I can teach and I can teach well- what I do in there is not teaching. It is yelling. I tried just ignoring it, but they get so loud and out of control it is disruptive to other classes. I have no idea what to do, other than what I did. Which was cry in the bathroom after my 40 minutes in hell was over.

I came home and just dwelled in the homesickness and lonliness. This is hard. I have people who are supporting me, but physical presence is just so different, so much more meaningful. I'm going back to see Dan in Timisoara during the American Thanksgiving Day weekend, and my dad comes 100 days from tomorrow. Other than that, I really have no idea when I am going to BE WITH familiar people, and it just all hit yesterday.

And then today, everything was better. The sun was out, my classes were magical, and I found some more beauty in this city. Just when you think everything is going to fall apart...

Fireworks

Tonight as I made dinner with my new cookware (please take a moment and sing the Hallelujah! chorus with me), I happened to look out the kitchen window when I thought I heard thunder. To my incredible surprise, I saw fireworks just to the north of my apartment. I just stood in wonder at the window, staring at the display that ran on for about five minutes.

Now, I have absolutely no idea why there were fireworks in Bucharest tonight. I have no idea where they were shot off from. But in a really tiny way, they were made for me tonight. I feel like my life has been a series of fireworks lately. Big and bold and beautiful and incredibly personal, in a sense.

I got to experience the fireworks involved in the first week of school. The crazy noise and the tiny sense of danger and the passion with which we begin the year.

I got to experience the fireworks involved in meeting someone new. The overwhelming beauty and the sense of something greater and the risk involved in every word and action.

My my heart is so completely filled with the fireworks of joy and new experiences and love. I am blessed beyond measure.

Connection

I often am able to look back on a season in my life and notice growth in one capacity or another. It is usually after the period has ended, and improvement reveals itself by rising out of the mundane where it was concieved and developed, and where it hibernated until I turned my head to glance back. And I am constantly surprised by the existence of this thing that dwelled in my spirit and grew in my heart and lodged itself in my head. I turn forward and continue onward through the next season.

This season, something changed. In this time of uncertainity and decision and dreaming, I can feel the growth. I felt it nestle down deep inside of me, coursing through my body, becoming part of my unconscious thought until it burst through fully formed into my life.

This season has been about the beauty and intimacy of connection. I have written before about my incredible friendships and support system- but those were things I knew about before. I am talking about the fresh knowledge of humanity and the beautiful recognition of another's soul. I have recently had the chance to connect with a variety of people in a wide range of ways. I found myself revealing little bits of my spirit, not to the other person per se, but to the collective knowledge we shared by the very virtue of being human.

I like this kind of growth. And I like knowing about it now.

I Find Myself

I find myself in a place of great fear and wonderful excitement and terrible unknowns. I find myself in a state of both energetic happiness and weary exhaustion. I find myself wondering and wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying. I find myself wanting to do better, to feel better, to be better, and to make better. I find myself craving comfort and routine and structure. I find myself yearning for spontaniety and freedom and adventure.

I find myself in the smile of a friend or a note of ringing laughter. I find myself in eyes that are lit up with excitment. I find myself in personal connection and inside jokes and in touching the souls of others. I find myself in the beauty of people and the striking beauty of nature. I find myself in the sounds of the city and the feel of each block as my feet hit the pavement with a sort of rhymic assuredness. I find myself in the stories of people around me, coming from wildly different places to converge in this moment and in this place.

And daily, I find myself in the company of children. I find myself sitting on the grass each morning, giving and recieving hugs that have the whole world of emotion wrapped into them. I find myself singing annoyingly catchy songs about princesses and trees and frogs and bumblebees. I find myself teaching about life and cleaning up messes and passing out lunches. I find myself in the deep end of the pool, where the fears are so concentrated, and the trust so sparingly granted. I find myself in the locker room in a continuous search for underwear, and I find myself offering comfort to a group of drooping and dragging and sweaty little girls. I find myself scratching backs and braiding hair and trailing my fingers over their delicate faces. I find myself laughing continuously at the beautiful innocence of my campers. I find myself in an amazing place both for my body and for my spirit, when I find myself in the company of children.

I am hoping that I find myself in Romania.

Kid quote of the day:
"Stephanie, there is FOR REAL something in my tushy. And it hurts!" -Munchkin #4